Bits of Ongoing Absence
“Ongoing Absence” Is a thesis paper presented to OCAD University in partial fulfilment of the requirements for the degree of Bachelor of Fine Arts in Printmaking, Faculty of Art Superiors Wendy Cain and Shannon Gerard. It was written by Amye St. John in May 2015.
This paper is about loss, the everyday, and the passage of time. It is represented as journal entries concentrating on the lack of presence in my everyday life, which is to say my present, and the impressions that have been left from my past experiences. No one can really understand the loss of my father. He is absent in my life, and absence is something people can identify and connect with.
February 24, 2015. 2pm.
Having a bad day today. There are good days when time is just passing per usual, pretty average. I think about my dad all the time because he managed to invade my everyday without me noticing, so making dinner, eating breakfast, going out and staying in. I think about my dad and smile that he was in my life and taught me so much. Then there are the bad days, the days that I’m overwhelmed with sadness and everything reminds me of my dad – but that he’s gone. I can’t seem to find that happy underline to make things all right. It’s like if depression was a cold you could catch once in awhile for a day or two. The worst part is no matter how hard I try, my kids pick up on my internal torments and act completely out of control. These are the days when things get broken, which doesn’t really help me snap out of my mood. The best way for me to get through these days is to fight the urge to just stay home and take the kids to a park or indoor playground – then they can burn off their energy and pick up better ones.
I don’t know what I’m doing with this essay anymore. So far I’ve only managed to type random things about my dad for about an hour a day. Not exactly helpful when the rough draft is due soon. Maybe in another month I can pull this thing together into something great.
I do not enjoy bad days.